


A mismatched understanding of the concept of trust

by Arukaine



Series: Billy/Ritsuka Fics [2]
Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Blood and Injury, Boys Kissing, Canon-Typical Violence, Comfort, Developing Relationship, Emotional Conversation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, I don't understand a lot of the Nasuverse lore and at this point I'm too afraid to ask, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Reconciliation, Resolved Romantic Tension, Romantic Friendship, So excuse some inconsistencies in the description of Chaldea's technicisms and how magic works, Two Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 13:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30039216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arukaine/pseuds/Arukaine
Summary: Ritsuka was fully aware that the unexpected fight against an unknown dangerous threat could have been resolved if he had just listened to Romani's orders, and escaped as soon as he had the chance to do so.But he couldn’t have done that. Not when Billy’s life was at risk, since Ritsuka would rather die than letting his most important Servant disappear.(Or basically, a story about the first time Ritsuka opposed Billy’s decisions in battle, and their discussion of what caring and trust truly means for them).
Relationships: Billy the Kid | Archer/Fujimaru Ritsuka
Series: Billy/Ritsuka Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2209998
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	1. The concept of trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I initially planned to make this into a simple one-shot, but it turned out to be a little longer than I had anticipated. Thus, I decided to divide it into two chapters to make it easier to read.
> 
> I hope it's still enjoyable. Thank you for checking my self-indulgent writing.

Ritsuka Fujimaru had the ability to summon any Servant at will, and through all the time he had spent in Chaldea, he had learnt how to get along with each one of them, even if some were harder to deal with than others, by adjusting his personality to theirs. Luckily for him, most of them only needed to see his friendly and reassuring facette to trust him immediately. Others, instead, kept their relationship as strictly professional, but on good terms.

However, he wasn’t all sunshine and smiles, as Ritsuka wasn’t afraid to call out improper behaviour or take a more leading and serious position if he had to. But it was clear that the young boy was still a novice, a softie who felt too much and too deep for others around him, so times where he had to get serious fell short compared to his recurring warm smile and easy and reassuring attitude. Ritsuka was an empathic and understanding individual, barely passing his teens, who was just trying his best in his mission to save humanity.

And despite all his efforts to appear neutral and unbiased towards who he spent time with, most Servants could tell their Master had developed a close attachment to the outlaw Heroic Spirit known as Billy the Kid. Some of them accepted this and realized that Ritsuka simply had chosen his favourite person the same way a pet chooses its owner (but was it okay to compare their Master to a dog?), but they knew he still appreciated everyone. Some others either didn’t notice or were choosing to ignore it, keeping their relationship with the mage down to simple formalities and respecting their contract. Others, though a minority, were jealous, and were clearly annoyed every time the mischievous outlaw came to snatch their beloved Master away, and the latter just followed along with him, offering their Servant an apologetic smile as he waved goodbye.

Ritsuka minded none of these as he would have chosen Billy in the blink of an eye over anyone, even if he knew he had to keep a good relationship with the rest. He hopes not many of them were upset by his behaviour, and he would try to compensate for it by helping them or listening to them in their free time. He hoped he could keep them pleased and comfortable in their new ‘home’.

DaVinci and Romani had explained to him multiple times that Chaldea wasn’t really a house for Servants, but a place where they could stay until they fulfilled their duty to aid him. After all, none of them belonged to this time or sometimes this world, so keeping them all summoned was already difficult, but doable for what they had to do.

All Ritsuka wished was that he wouldn’t have to say goodbye or let go of Billy any time soon. Would it be rude to make an exception for him and keep him summoned until the end of times? 

Billy had been one of the very first Servants to be summoned into Chaldea, so Ritsuka was more familiar with him than with some of his newest allies. It was only natural, he told himself, after all he felt as if they had been friends from the very beginning. He had no idea what to call these feelings inside of him, the way his heart fluttered and felt just a little lighter whenever Billy mischievously smiled at him, or whenever they chatted, or when the outlaw offered him his usual cheeky laughter - even the smallest touch from his Servant’s gloved hands on his skin had sent chills all over his body. But Ritsuka knew he didn’t want them to go away anytime soon, so he cherished them inside his heart. 

Bringing Billy along with him to any fight or mission he had to face had almost become a habit by now for Ritsuka, to the point where he couldn’t imagine facing any kind of enemy without the outlaw Servant being by his side. Technically, he had no need to summon him, or anyone else, outside of battle, but the young Master was always looking for company when he had to be away like today, under the excuse that the more they were, the merrier. He loved chatting with Billy under the moonlight in their poor excuse of a camp that they had managed to set up, all while the others in their team were resting. The young boy truly enjoyed seeing Billy smile, or whenever they shared stories of the past together, so much that he ended up losing track of time. It was a nice break that he cherished, away from the responsibilities that were awaiting him the next day. 

Ritsuka Fujimaru wished he could stay in these moments forever.

However, reality was far from what he wished for, and sooner rather than later they would have to go back to fighting against groups of enemies that kept piling up, or against rogue Servants that stood in their path.

Billy was independent enough that he ended up making his own decisions in battle, though Ritsuka didn’t mind this. He was able to acknowledge his own flaws and knew he was sometimes at a loss on what to do, or too stubborn on repeating the same course of action, but the outlaw always had his back in moments like these, as he pushed through with sheer skills and mastery, showing his expertise in combat. It reassured Ritsuka to have a Servant like Billy, as he only mostly had to observe his surroundings in a fight and watch his back, as well as sometimes command him to use his Noble Phantasm against a certain annoying enemy. 

That was the norm and their everyday when it came to combat.

What wasn’t common, however, was finding an anomaly in the middle of what was supposed to be a harmless mission during rayshifting, an irregular enemy so foreign and massive in size that it almost made all Demon Pillars they had encountered pale in comparison. It had masked its own powerful magical energy so well that neither Da Vinci nor Romani had been able to detect it in time, to warn Ritsuka to avoid it. Not even Mash, who had stayed behind to heal from the injuries she received during their previous mission, had seen it before it took shape behind her companion while she checked on him and the outlaw through the intercom.

The only thing Ritsuka could perceive when he turned around upon seeing her horrified face, in the smallest fraction of a second, was his trustworthy Servant position himself behind him to fire a bullet right through the enemy’s eyes (or what should have been its forehead, anyway), only for the anomaly to shapeshift and change its form to avoid Billy’s bullet, having predicted his movements. Being detected with such ease, however, had disconcerted the creature and made it hesitate for a second, its arm (or what should have been a limb) raised into the air, ready to deal a deathly blow onto the young Master. Noticing this, Billy quickly aimed at the appendage and shot another bullet, only for the enemy to change its form again to evade getting hit. The extremity made of what appeared to be dense black smoke dissipated into thin air and returned to the anomaly’s body.

“Tsk…!” gulping, Billy cursed the creature under his breath, wondering how it had been fast enough to evade his bullets twice, but he didn’t dwell onto the thought for too long. The outlaw held onto his Master before the enemy could attempt to attack for a second time. The outlaw really hadn’t sensed any magical energy around them until it was too late, but his own reflexes were fast enough that he was able to save his Master from possibly getting injured by whatever this enemy was supposed to be.

However, running away was futile, as the enemy managed to catch up to them in a second, almost as if it had teleported in front of them in their path. The irregularity was almost as big as some of the Demon Pillars they had fought in the past. It didn’t seem to be able to speak, lacking any mouth or distinguishable features albeit a single eye in the middle of its physical form - which it was able to shapeshift and change to its own desire, much like black smoke. At first glance, it would have looked like just a creepy creature. But the size and overwhelming hostility it radiated was enough to send a chill down Ritsuka’s spine, rarely having encountered something like this in his past quests. 

Without a second thought, Ritsuka summoned his other Servants that he had chosen to accompany him during that mission: the beautiful war commander that had been summoned as a woman under strange conditions known as Ushiwakamaru, the cynical yet protective Archer under the name of EMIYA (whose identity and origins were still a mystery, but he had earned his place alongside his Master through their time together), and the rebellious yet loud and prideful “son” of King Arthur, Mordred. A mismatched team of Heroic Spirits that certainly didn’t seem to belong together, not personality-wise and certainly not even to the same era, and yet all of them had earned Ritsuka’s trust, as well as proven their strength and hard work to him.

“Everyone, please stand in position and prepare for attack” Ritsuka’s voice sounded distressed, clearly unnerved by the sudden enemy standing in front of them. A creature such as this should have alerted Romani or at least DaVinci miles away, and yet none of them had seemed to detect it in time. 

The young Master noticed how Billy had left his side and was now standing among his other Servants, waiting for his commands, and he couldn’t help but feel worried. Even if Ritsuka had ordered them to get ready to fight, he didn’t like the idea of Billy standing in the front lines, where he could get attacked so easily. He had sensed the power and hostility of this anomaly, his reflexes being fast enough to stop its attack the first time, and yet he was ready to fight with his life on the line. 

Ritsuka didn’t like it one bit. 

He almost wanted to ask Billy to retreat just this time, if only to protect him. The young mage was sure anyone would think he’s being pathetic for trying to protect a Servant’s life, when it was their duty to protect him as their Master, instead. He didn’t understand why he felt this way, he trusted Billy and his abilities in combat, and yet he didn’t want to expose him to this sudden threat.

The intercom opened before he could mutter a single thought out loud, and the picture of Romani appeared to his side, rushedly speaking

“Be careful, Fujimaru-kun!” Ritsuka noticed that he had never seen the doctor appear so anxious and anguished, letting him know that he wasn’t joking in the slightest “DaVinci and I are trying to analyze this creature, but it’s nothing like what we’ve seen before-”

“We don’t even know how something like this materialized into this environment, it shouldn’t be possible” the agitated voice of the woman known as DaVinci could be heard in the background, as she was most likely trying to look and search for any information or analytics regarding the anomaly that had appeared in front of the young Master.

“Just… try to buy us some time by distracting this thing, I’ll go prepare the Rayshift to open an emergency wayback so you can get back here in one piece, in case things really get out of hand… The analysis isn't done, but its magical levels indicate that it’s nothing that we’ve dealt with before, so _just_ distract it for long enough while we finish here, and protect yourself above all costs, okay? Don’t attempt to win this fight unless we’re sure, Fujimaru-kun. Stall it until the end”

“O-okay… okay, I think I can do that” with becoming a Master came the ability to learn how to lie, saying you had a situation under control, only to recognize and admit in your heart that the situation couldn’t have been more chaotic and out of your grasp to begin with. Ritsuka felt his heart starting to beat faster, letting out a shaky breath and observing his surroundings and trying his best to analyze what course of action he should take. This was no normal group of mobs, nor was it an enemy Servant whose skills and strengths were easy to analyze and he only had to find a way to counter them.

No, whatever this enemy was that had materialized in their path, that had most likely been following them and creeping up behind them for an unknown amount of time without being perceived, it was quite possible that this anomaly had the advantage in this fight. It could possibly know more about Ritsuka and his Servants than whatever little information they could know about it.

The creature stood in front of the four Servants, menacingly, observant - it was doing just the exact same thing that Ritsuka was attempting to do. With its giant and creepy looking eye in its center, it was looking around and analyzing the situation to make the best decision and successfully defeat its enemy. But how sentient was it to take proper action against the young mage’s team?

Ritsuka opened his mouth to yell the first order - he made it clear that his Servants’ attacks should be more of a distraction for the enemy to keep itself busy while Romani and DaVinci worked hard back in Chaldea, and he could hear the most annoyed groan coming from Mordred, who had been excited to finally kick some ass after a few days of carrying their mission without much action. Ritsuka, on the other hand, felt scared shitless that a wrong move would result in a brutal defeat for him and his Servants.

( _Even more if a certain blond boy was standing in the battlefield._ )

The young Master yelled more of his commands, distressingly ordering his Servants to distract the creature and to stay away from it. Someone like Mordred or Ushiwakamaru would have been useless in a fight from a distance, and yet, the young mage assigned them the task to distract the creature by avoiding any possible attack from it and confusing it by taunting it. However, the anomaly didn’t seem fazed by any of their movements, successfully avoiding all of their attacks - or simply, it seemed like none of the attacks that hit it did anything.

Ritsuka heard Ushi’s voice right next to his left informing him that the creature seemed to be completely immune to everyone’s attacks, and that she wasn’t sure if these orders were going to make any difference, since the creature appeared immobile. She had expressed her thoughts only as a worry, looking out for her Master and everyone, and yet her sentence got completely cut off by a sharp cry of anguish and pain coming from her same feminine voice. The enemy had materialized several limbs almost out of thin air and, in the blink of an eye, it had pierced the distracted Servant’s shoulder and torso.

The young Master yelled out his Servant’s name, wanting to rush to Ushiwakamaru’s side to lend her a hand, as she was kneeling on the ground defenseless, but he quickly stopped when he heard Mordred starting to yell profanities after letting out a painful cry. Looking up at the knight Servant, Ritsuka realized the anomaly had managed to strike her left leg when its appendages returned to its body after attacking Ushiwakamaru, slicing it, but it had only been a superficial wound. 

Things couldn’t have been any farther from Ritsuka’s control right now. Their attacks did nothing against this enemy, and yet it felt almost impossible to avoid its strikes.

Whatever this creature was, it seemed to be able to shapeshift at will, creating limbs in a second and using them to attack at an incredible speed. Even if its body was made of smoke, its extremities clearly were sharp and powerful enough, similar to blades or spikes, that they could pierce right through skin as if it was butter. Ushiwakamaru’s wounds were proof of that, as she kept trying to stand up but the bleeding injuries on her body and shoulder made her wince and cry everytime, eventually giving up. Ritsuka observed how they seemed to be covered in some kind of black substance, which seemed to be getting mixed with Ushi’s blood.

Worried, Ritsuka tried to approach Ushiwakamaru to help her, making the inexpert mistake of exposing his back to the enemy in a moment of hurry. The anomaly formed yet another appendage that charged right in the direction of the young Master and the injured girl Servant - however, before it could inevitably pierce right through their bodies, a gunshot could be heard, and the limb turned into thin black smoke as it dissipated before it could reach its target. Ritsuka quickly turned to look in Billy’s direction when he noticed the black smoke slowly disappearing around them, locking eyes with him. The outlaw Servant offered him a quick reassuring smile before returning his focus to the creature, distracting it with his attacks and movements, as to avoid it from targeting Ushiwakamaru or Ritsuka again.

Realizing the severity and hostility of the enemy in front of him, Ritsuka changed his orders, and instead started commanding his Servants to avoid the extremities at all costs and to cease all attacks. Their main goal was to evade getting hit and distracting the creature for long enough for Romani and DaVinci to finish their work (where in Hell were they? This was taking far too long). The young Master noticed his other Servants starting to do the same as Billy, and he turned his attention to Ushiwakamaru, once again, not without keeping an eye on the others.

She had two open wounds, the one in her shoulder going all the way through from the front to the back, and it was gaping achingly. The black substance covering them almost looked like some kind of black goo. Poison, maybe?

“Ushi” Ritsuka had always referred to her by her shortened name, often finding it endearing. This time, however, his voice sounded serious, as he couldn’t help but worry about her condition. “Retreat to Chaldea, you’re in no shape to fight right now. It _is_ an order, so please, do as I say”

The look of hesitation in the young war commander’s eyes was unmistakable, since her duty as a Servant was to protect her Master against all dangers. However, the moment she attempted to move her arm to try and stand up, she let out yet another sharp cry of pain, and defeated, she sighed.

“Understood, Master. Please, excuse my inexpertise in this battle; I’m sorry that I couldn’t be of any more help. I pray that you return to Chaldea soon, too” Ushiwakamaru offered him an apologetic smile, before her body dissipated right between Ritsuka’s fingers.

The only reason Ritsuka had commanded Ushiwakamaru to retreat was because she needed to get treatment as soon as possible. The young Master wasn't a sadist, and he dreaded to hurt his Servants and their bodies to their limit if he had the option to choose retreat and prepare for battle better next time.

Not only that, but if Ushiwakamaru accidentally died, there's a slight risk that she could forget some of her memories. The more severe the death, and the more times a Servant died in battles as an Heroic Spirit, the higher the risk and amount of memories they could lose. Have them die a traumatic death after multiple awful ones and they could outright disappear and get unsummoned. Ritsuka would have to summon them as a new Servant that, while they would share the same face, body, and personality, they wouldn't remember anything about their previous journey with their Master.

So for as long as Ritsuka was going to be a Master at Chaldea, he wouldn’t allow any of his Servants to die under his watch, if he could avoid it. His memories with them were far too important to get destroyed or forgotten.

He started to think of his memories and times shared with _him_ , with his beloved Servant that had stayed with him from the very beginning, and he started looking around, searching for Billy’s figure among his remaining Servants and the sea of appendages that the enemy was manifesting to try and strike any of them. He could see several new shallow wounds on Mordred, and EMIYA’s cheek and torso had been slashed, and he couldn’t help but worry when he couldn’t find the outlaw Servant anywhere. His heart started beating fast as his eyes analyzed the scene around him in more depth, hoping to catch a glimpse of his hat or his blond hair. 

The same moment he found him, the black smoke emanating from the creature having blocked his figure from his view at first, Ritsuka also noticed a black limb going in his direction, almost getting a hold of Billy’s arm, who luckily had been able to avoid the full impact. However, his skin got sliced - his jacket sleeve got torn and blood started to gush out from a rather deep wound. It was clear that if the appendage had wrapped itself around the arm, it would have completely torn it off in a swift and clean cut. The wound on the blond’s arm looked deep enough that his arm could fall off if it accidentally got stuck anywhere.

However, the outlaw only let out a small hiss despite the agonizing pain from the injury. He was probably trying not to agitate and worry his Master any more than needed. He couldn’t, however, hide away any of his several wounds, whether shallow or not, that he endured while Ritsuka was taking care of Ushiwakamaru, nor his visible exhaustion in his movements.

Ritsuka felt his anxiety increasing, his senses becoming numb and his vision darkening upon the sight of not only his Servants struggling to stall an unexpected powerful enemy and enduring injuries for far too long, but also the realization that Billy was getting seriously wounded and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. His worries that he had felt with Ushiwakamaru increased, making the young Master’s throat feel tight as he found it hard to breathe. He wanted to shout, he wanted to order everyone to retreat - but he couldn’t yet. His head started feeling much heavier, dizziness invading all of his senses, and he just wanted all of this to stop. 

( _Where the hell was Romani?_ )

“Senpai!” Mash’s voice called out from the intercom, making Ritsuka’s head stop spiraling for just a moment from everything that was going on, before he tried to turn his attention to her. The young girl had no idea how much Ritsuka had been waiting to hear a familiar voice from his intercom, hopefully bringing him good news “Romani has finished preparing the Rayshift wayback, it’s going to open in a few seconds! Please, run for it and come back safely! It’s our only chance. You have to come back, so please hurry!”

Ritsuka felt the darkness and numbness around him dissipating, realizing that they could finally retreat and go back to Chaldea safely. Whatever this creature or enemy was, it didn’t matter - DaVinci must have finished her analysis, so next time they Rayshifted back to this place, Ritsuka would make sure to come full prepared to deal with it and kick its ass.

However, before hurrying to the Rayshift point, there was one last thing he had to do.

“Everyone, please retreat back to Chaldea!” Ritsuka was fully aware that Romani, from the command room, could retreat their Heroic Spirits back after the Rayshift was closed. Most of their power right now was being used for the emergency wayback, which would only last for a few minutes, so the young mage preferred to do things safely before finally making a run for it “We’re leaving this place, so it’s time to retreat, _now_!”

He could see EMIYA mutter something barely audible that he couldn’t quite catch, before his body dissipated into thin air, having resummoned back in Chaldea. Mordred just cursed the creature in front of them, probably upset that she couldn’t even leave a scratch on it even if her body was barely holding up, before deciding to do the same as the Archer, her figure turning into gold dust when she retreated.

Ritsuka looked in Billy’s direction, realizing how badly and severely damaged and bruised his body was, and with his heart in his throat, the young mage waited for the outlaw Servant to follow his instructions and do as EMIYA and Mordred had just done. If at all, it was Billy the one he was thinking about when Ritsuka had yelled out his last command, wanting him to get back safely.

And yet, Ritsuka should have known that Billy’s independent soul wouldn’t follow his safe and prudent ways. The anomaly surely was expecting this last Servant to retreat, thus targeting their Master once he was left alone to escape. In Billy’s mind, if he retreated now, it’d be the same as abandoning his Master and leaving him in danger. Ritsuka would be alone, with barely enough seconds to run away and make it to the rayshift opening. He’d be fully exposed to the attacks from this enemy that the outlaw had sworn to protect him from. If Billy retreated, there was no way to assure that Ritsuka would make it back without issues, with no Servant to watch his back, so the only course of action he could take was to distract the enemy while Ritsuka made a run for it.

However, in the young Master’s mind, so stressed and overwhelmed by everything that had been going on, he didn’t see it that way. All he could think about was that if he was the one to retreat, the one that would be in danger would be Billy himself. The thought of Billy accidentally dying for the first time as an Heroic Spirit, of him forgetting the conversation they had last night, the dry yet nutritious dinner they had managed to hunt, the warmth of the fireplace as the two men happily talked for hours until sleep overcame them; it was unbearable for him to accept that Billy could lose such trivial yet special memories if he just let him die here.

“Billy, what are you doing?!” Ritsuka understood that the possibility of Billy losing his memories or his Heroic Spirit disappearing wasn’t high - but it was never zero. After all, if he died a traumatic way, there was a chance that Billy could lose even further away memories from his time at Chaldea, maybe even up to the point where the two met for the first time, as if the outlaw had just been summoned as a new Servant. Heroic Spirit’s memories with their Masters were so fragile, and even if Billy had never died in battle before under Ritsuka’s command, the risk of him losing his memories existed. “Billy, I’m telling you to retreat! Don’t make me say it twice, please, I’m begging you!”

And yet, Billy kept refusing to listen to his order, continuing to distract the enemy as he attempted to keep shooting at its appendages to dissipate them into thin air. He was fast enough to get rid of all of them - but the creature was faster, having materialized yet one last limb that managed to slice Billy on his side, making him let out a cry of pain that he couldn’t silence. However, before it could deal another strike on his body, the outlaw managed to avoid it by firing yet another bullet at it, despite the pain from his new wound.

“You have to run for the Rayshift _now_ , Fujimaru-kun!” Romani’s image appeared next to the young boy, his voice bringing Ritsuka back, but it wasn’t enough to calm him down from the distress and fear that overwhelmed him. “I know you’re worried about Billy, but the sooner you come back, the easier it will be too resummon him back! His Heroic Spirit will be fine! Please-”

“I can’t-!” tears started to form at the corner of Ritsuka’s eyes, his body paralyzed in fear as he observed the creature preparing to deal yet another attack. He couldn’t stand looking at it, he wondered why Billy couldn’t just listen to him, specially now. “Billy, I’m instructing you to retreat! It’s not an option, it’s an order from your Master! Please!”

“If I retreat now, this thing is just going to come after you” the outlaw’s voice sounded raspy, with blood clogging up on his throat that he had to cough away. Seeing the way Billy stumbled forward after getting sliced for the umpteenth time, losing his balance for just a second before regaining his composure, it made Ritsuka feel even more anxious and panicked “I just need to… Fire the bullet faster than it can expect it… Outsmart it. Yeah, that’s what I have to do. You should run for the Rayshift now, Master, I’ll try to keep this up for as long as I can, but please...”

“You’re just going to kill yourself like that, stop it! Just retreat!” ( _Everyone else has done it, so why won’t you just listen to me? I failed to be a proper Master so many times in the past, always letting others make the better decisions for me, so why won’t you just hear the only request I have for you?_ ) 

It was all Ritsuka could think about, but the tears were starting to make his vision blurry, and his tight throat was making him unable to let out the voice from his heart. Inside the young Master, there was a cry for help that, while it reached Billy, once again, the outlaw thought he knew the best course of action as opposed to Ritsuka. 

“... If I die, I’ll just get resummoned, right? It’s fine” Billy flashed one of his most confident and reassuring smiles to his Master, despite his painful expression, which would have warmed and calmed down Ritsuka’s heart had it been any other situation. Right now, with Billy’s life on the line like this, he couldn’t “I’m gonna protect you this time too, Master”

“Fujimaru-kun, the Rayshift will get locked down if you don’t hurry. It will be harder for you to come back if you don’t run for it now! Please, listen to me! Billy will be fine-” Romani had continued to yell at Ritsuka to make a move, probably unable to keep the Rayshift up for much longer, but he got cut off by the young boy yelling back at him.

“D-don’t, shut up! I’m trying to think!” The only reason Ritsuka was safe to think of his next move, despite his tears and his distress, was because the anomaly was busying itself with Billy, who had continued to be stubborn to deal with it all by himself, trying to buy extra time for his Master, just to protect his life. 

But Ritsuka couldn’t agree with his actions, all he could think about was that Billy was closer and closer to death with each strike, and the thoughts soon became too overwhelming for the young Master to handle. Billy was struggling to stand up, his movements becoming more erratic, to the point where the enemy had managed to hit him in several parts of his body, with some of the wounds cutting him deep and the black substance infecting each and one of them, even if the outlaw was trying to make it seem like he was okay. He knew the sensible option was to make a run for it, but his heart impeded him from doing so, hurting at the sight of Billy’s body and his wounds oozing more blood than he felt comfortable with seeing coming out of his beloved Servant

So, in a moment of hurry and panic, Ritsuka did the only thing that felt right at that moment for him. Raising his hand that possessed the three Command Spells engraved on the back, the young mage tried to focus all of his mind and energy into them, letting his heart speak out loud.

“Billy, under this Command Spell that has been given to me, your Master orders you right now: _retreat_. Resummon yourself back to Chaldea, and retreat from here _now_.” an intense hot feeling spreaded through Ritsuka’s hand, as he felt one of Chaldea’s Command Spells slowly burning away from his skin, disappearing, almost scarring him in the process. A massive amount of energy running through his veins made his head feel heavier as his order finally reached the Servant he had commanded.

At long last, he would be able to save the most important person to him. Surely, that was the only wish in his heart. Everything else came second to Billy’s life.

While he should have been relieved to get his beloved Servant out of harm’s way, that Billy wasn’t going to be left stuck inside a cursed place like this to die, that he wouldn’t be at risk of losing any of the precious memories they made together throughout the months (years? How long has it even been since Ritsuka first saw that cheeky smile?); he should have been happy and reassured that Billy wasn’t going to disappear and his Heroic Spirit wouldn’t be destroyed if the anomaly finally dealt its last death blow on his body… and yet all Ritsuka Fujimaru could feel was the biggest heartbreak and anguish when he locked eyes with his Servant, an overwhelming and glaring look of betrayal glooming all over Billy’s face as he stared at his Master in shock, in disbelief, in exasperation. His expression showed only a small glimpse of the pain in his heart from being bound by a Command Seal, to be forbidden and punished for his freedom and independence when he had only tried to help his Master.

After all, Ritsuka had just used his first Command Spell on Billy, the only Servant he had confided in to his fullest inside his heart. Could he really have expected a different reaction from the person that had sworn to protect him and returned his feelings of trust? Specially when he had betrayed him and doubted his abilities to fulfill his duty, enough to force him to do something else?

Billy’s hand extended in his Master’s direction as if he tried to reach for the young mage’s touch despite being so far away. And yet, it had nothing in common with the many times the outlaw had reached for his hand or his face, warm and intimate; instead it almost felt like Billy thought that if he could touch his Master, he wouldn’t inevitably disappear as the latter had ordered him. Or maybe he had wanted to take a grip of his Master’s uniform and ask him why he would do something like this to him, wondering if they weren’t supposed to trust each other. Before he could be striked by the enemy’s attack, surely an almost assured death blow, Ritsuka observed how Billy’s mouth opened, his upset and hurt expression never disappearing, attempting to yell something. 

Yet Billy never managed to utter a single sound, since the magical energy from Ritsuka’s spell forcibly made his body and existence disappear, retreating it back into Chaldea without an option to fight it back.

And yet, with this pain in his heart from seeing Billy’s expression, far more painful than observing his wounds and injuries earlier, Ritsuka was able to make it back to Chaldea without getting attacked, only because despite his reckless actions, he needed to reunite with Billy and make sure that he was safe.

It was his only motivation as a Master, after all.


	2. The concept of care

The moment Ritsuka was finally back in Chaldea, he got surrounded and overwhelmed by questions about his well being from his younger friend Mash, who hugged him upon seeing he was okay, almost a little too tight. He felt Fou climbing up his back, placing himself on his shoulder and snuggling his soft fur against his face. It made the young Master smile, hugging his friend back and letting out a soft giggle, telling Fou his fur tickled him.

Romani appeared right after them, offering Ritsuka a handful of reprimands and asking him why didn’t he listen to him, that he could have gotten seriously injured or died back there. His eyes unconsciously went down to glance at the missing Command Spell from the young mage’s hand, and feeling instinctively ashamed, Ritsuka hid it behind his back, looking down and hurt the moment he remembered Billy’s expression before he forced him to retreat. He knew everyone had seen him do that from back here, and he felt uncomfortably exposed all of a sudden.

He looked around, wondering where the outlaw could have been, his heart skipping a beat when he couldn’t find him anywhere in the room. He was going to ask for his whereabouts, obviously getting worried, but a gentle sigh from Romani stopped him before he could talk, as the doctor asked Ritsuka if he was okay and if he got hurt anywhere, in the end. When the young Master shook his head, looking like a kid who had just gotten scolded, Romani exhaled again, feeling a little bad from having reprimanded him. Taking notice that Ritsuka was still hiding his hand behind him, the older man told him, with an apologetic smile, that he shouldn’t feel ashamed for what he did back then. He had been a little reckless, yes, but the doctor knew his Servant meant a lot for the younger boy, so he was in his right to use his Spells however he saw fit, specially to protect them. He shouldn’t feel bad about it.

“As for Billy, however…”

Ritsuka’s gaze lifted up the moment he heard Billy’s name coming from Romani’s voice, expectant and nervous all at the same time about what he was going to say, but he got interrupted by DaVinci making her way inside the command room. 

The young mage was growing impatient and anxious, he didn’t like the idea of not knowing where his most important Servant was, and he wanted to check on him right away. However, he knew it would be too rude to just storm off out of the room without even knowing where Billy was and without talking with Mash and the rest, so shoving his worries aside, he looked at DaVinci as she approached them.

She gave Ritsuka a reassuring smile and gentle gaze as she expressed how thankful she was that he made it back. She started explaining how she finished her analysis on the creature they encountered in that area, but that Ritsuka should get some well-deserved rest after going through something like that. They would have to deal with the anomaly another time, now that DaVinci was confident on how to defeat it. But she didn’t want to exhaust or overwhelm the young boy, and so, she instructed him that he should rest. They’ll have enough time to deal with this situation in the future.

Noticing the anguished and impatient look on Ritsuka’s eyes, DaVinci let out a gentle giggle, petting his hair. The young Master had always been so easy to read, so predictable, it almost gave DaVinci an irresistible need to pinch his cheeks with how adorable he was. She could see it in his eyes and posture; what Ritsuka really wanted to do since he had come back. Still, she said her next line nonchalantly as if she didn’t already know.

“If you want to check up on your Servants, they’re all resting in their respective rooms. EMIYA and Mordred are fine, their wounds were all shallow. Ushi and Billy, however, are in a rougher spot. They’re both stable, but their injuries were very severe, so Nightingale might still be patching them up. I suggest you go see them when you can” she was clearly avoiding the big elephant in the room, having heard the news about Ritsuka using one of his Command Spells, and on Billy, no less. Wanting to reassure the young boy, however, she placed a hand on his shoulder, giving him a kind smile “And Master? You made a good call when ordering your Servants to retreat. Don’t beat yourself over it, it was a good choice”

The gentle voice from the Caster reassured Ritsuka’s heart a little, calming him down. As long as his Servants were okay, as long as _Billy_ was okay, that’s all that mattered to the mage. Thanking DaVinci, and saying his respective goodbyes, Ritsuka excused himself from the room.

“Senpai!” Mash’s voice stopped Ritsuka before he could leave the room, making him turn around to look at her “After you check up on Billy and Ushiwakamaru, do you maybe want to meet up at the cafeteria? You haven’t eaten since this morning, so I figured out you’d be hungry… However, go check on your Servants first, they need you. We could bring them something to eat afterwards. Maybe it could help them feel better after today?"

Ritsuka appreciated Mash’s consideration and thoughtfulness, after all, it was one of her biggest qualities as his companion and friend. After accepting her proposal and promising to go look for her later with a smile, Ritsuka finally made his way towards Billy’s room.

* * *

Ritsuka never questioned how they managed to have a room for every Servant he had summoned, but Chaldea’s headquarters was a pretty big place already, to begin with. The hallway for all of the Servants’ rooms felt much bigger and sometimes even slightly more crowded than the one for Chaldea’s staff. Ritsuka ran by several of his Servants, some of them even attempting to strike a conversation with their Master, which he had to reject, apologetically, explaining that he was in a bit of a hurry, but that they could probably talk later. Others had simply heard what happened in the command room earlier from staff or other people, so they let their Master pass.

Ritsuka felt a bit bad about having to shoot down his Servant’s cheerful invitations, but he was simply in no place to do anything else that wasn’t checking on Billy and talking with him, hoping to clear any possible misunderstandings he might have gotten earlier. His pain felt slightly worse when he passed Ushi’s room. He would simply have to check on her after Billy. He hoped that she wouldn’t mind this too much.

Finally arriving in front of Billy’s room’s door, he glanced for a second at the locked keypad on it. Being Chaldea’s last Master came with its perks, since Ritsuka was allowed to enter any of his Servant’s rooms at will, even if he had always opted to knock first rather than invading their privacy. This time, however, he knew he couldn’t knock, since Billy might have been in pain and bedridden, so he tried to look for his keycard in his pocket.

The sudden sound and movement of the door opening in front of him surprised the young Master, though the one coming out of Billy’s room wasn’t the outlaw himself, but none other than Nightingale.

“Ah, Master, you’re here. Good” despite her average height, being slightly shorter than Ritsuka, she had always managed to look so stern and intimidating. Even her voice and attitude sent chills down the young mage’s spine sometimes, even if he appreciated all the amazing job she did as a nurse, and as a Servant in battle. “Your good and loyal Servant is resting in his bed, but he’s fully awake and conscious. I cleaned his wounds and bandaged them as best as I could. However, doing so was a hassle, as the boy wouldn’t stop squirming” Ritsuka couldn’t tell if she sounded annoyed, or if she was simply stating what happened as a matter of fact “As much as I removed all the black substance from his body, I wouldn’t discard amputation as the best resort to remove any contamination, Master”

“N-no… I don’t think that will be necessary, Nightingale, you’ve already done more than enough” gulping, Ritsuka remembered why this woman was always so intimidating despite her looks and height - her unhealthy obsession with amputations. Nonetheless, few were the times (or more like none) where she actually had to perform something like that on her patients during her time at Chaldea “Was the black substance dangerous…?”

“Just poison, which is probably why he wouldn’t stop moving around while I treated him. It’s a miracle he was even standing when he came back to Chaldea… all of his wounds are severely deep and the toxins were infecting his entire bloodstream. He must have been agonizing; if he had stayed out there any longer and gotten a few more cuts, he might have faced serious consequences” Ritsuka felt his heart drop and his face going pale at hearing such words. He hadn’t noticed how much pain Billy had truly been holding in - the outlaw hadn’t even mentioned it at the time, and as much as the young boy knew Billy was reaching his limits, he hadn’t imagined he would be hurting so much because of this poison. Nightingale seemed to notice his expression and the way he looked down, and she sighed “He’s fine. Like I said, I cleaned his wounds and cleansed all the poison out of his body, so he’s not hurting anymore. What he needs right now is to rest… I’m sure he’ll be delighted to talk to you”

Ritsuka didn’t know if she meant her last line sarcastically, or if she genuinely didn’t know what had happened just a few minutes ago during their mission. With how observant Nightingale was, the young boy doubted she hadn’t taken notice of the missing Spell on his hand, so he wondered if she had tied two and two together during their talk. Nonetheless, instinctively, he tried hiding his hand behind him in case she really had missed that detail.

Nightingale informed Ritsuka that she was about to check on EMIYA and Mordred, whose wounds were shallow but probably needed to get poison extracted from their bloodstreams, so saying her goodbyes, she started walking away. 

Taking a deep breath, Ritsuka decided to finally enter Billy's room. If what Nightingale had said is true, then it meant the outlaw had most likely been listening to their conversation at the door while he was laying down in bed, so the young Master’s presence shouldn’t have been a surprise. The first thing Ritsuka did was turning on the lights to be able to see better, since every room in Chaldea was windowless.

However, when he did, he felt his heart sink at the sight of Billy in bed, with his blanket covering his whole body up to his head, his back turned to him. In fact, Ritsuka had noticed movement as the outlaw Servant hid himself under the covers when he turned on the lights, meaning he had been facing the door beforehand, but upon seeing his Master enter his room, he had turned away from him.

The mere gesture made Ritsuka’s chest tighten, a sudden feeling of sorrow and anxiety invading him. Nonetheless, he tried to swallow all of his emotions away, pulling his most neutral face with a gentle smile, as he walked towards Billy’s bed. Pulling a chair that was next to the unused desk in his room, Ritsuka moved it closer so he could be sitting next to his beloved Servant.

A few agonizing seconds of silence passed, as the young male debated internally how he should begin to talk. He knew Billy was awake, his breathing felt erratic and slightly too heavy, not steady at all, doing a very bad job at pretending to be asleep. Or maybe he was willingly letting his Master know that he was awake, but with no intentions of turning to face him. It was the most awkward he had felt in Billy’s presence, since ever from the beginning, he had felt extremely comfortable and appreciated with him.

And yet, he knew he had no one to blame for this situation but himself.

“N-nightingale told me you’re doing okay” Ritsuka struggled to let out his words. All their conversations had always flowed so naturally, like the two men understood each other on a much deeper and emotional level than the young boy had ever felt with any other person around him. It’s not that he felt any different about the blond now, but he knew he had hurt Billy’s trust in him, and the guilt was eating him alive “That’s very good. I heard that the black substance was poison and that she removed all of it, so you’re doing better now. I’m… very glad to hear that”

Ritsuka was awkwardly trying to avoid the big elephant in the room, but Billy’s silence, paired up with the fact that he knew he was fully awake, only added extra layers of anxiety on top of him. He had no idea what to say, how to explain himself, how to tell Billy how he felt. 

He really wanted to hear his gentle voice again, and the thought of his Servant refusing to talk to him made Ritsuka’s anguish worse. He wanted to cry.

“... You didn’t tell me that you were in such pain back in battle. Nightingale told me you must have been agonizing with the amount of poison in your body. If I had known, I would have asked you to retreat earlier, just like Ushi…” Ritsuka tried to slowly approach the topic that the two men really had to sort between them, and even then, he was erratically tiptoeing around it, hoping to make Billy turn to look at him. He just wanted to see his face again. “You’re very important to me, Billy, so even if your duty is to protect me, I don’t want you to be in such pain again… I hope you know that.”

Silence. That’s all his confession was met with, utter silence, the only thing that could be heard was each other’s breathing, and it made the young Master’s anxiety worsen. He felt an agonizing pain in his heart, with the small tears forming at the corner of his eyes about to roll down his cheeks. He felt his throat completely dry, making the words in his heart harder to come out when combined with the stress and overwhelming sorrow he felt.

“Billy, talk to me-”

“It hurts a lot, you know”

The two males ended up speaking at the same time, making it a bit difficult for Ritsuka to understand the words that had come out of Billy’s mouth. For a second, his heart skipped a beat and he felt so eager to finally hear the outlaw’s voice that he hadn’t processed what he really said, nor the monotonous tone in which Billy had talked to him at last. When he finally realized, he noted the outlaw sounded more exhausted than anything, but Ritsuka could also detect that small hint of pain and sadness in his voice.

As much as his heart hurt, when he finally repeated the sentence his Servant had said over and over in his head, he snapped out of his inner thoughts and grew worried.

“Y-your body hurts? Do you want me to… call Nightingale?” The young boy was ready to get up and catch up with the Berserker servant, but Billy suddenly moving in bed to turn around and face him stopped him.

The tired and dark look on Billy’s eyes almost sent chills down Ritsuka’s spine. His gaze was full of pain, and his beautiful grey blue irises lacked the usual little shine that showed his playful and mischievous soul. All of that was gone and it was replaced by distress and sadness, with a hint of upset. Billy looked more serious than ever, and it made Ritsuka feel a stab of guilt in his heart.

Billy sat up on his bed, his blanket falling over to cover only his lap, and Ritsuka could observe all of the bandages that covered his body. He wasn't wearing any shirt, and from the base of his neck to the lower part of his abdomen, covering his arms as well as his left hand, there was barely any skin left uncovered by the bandages, some of them slightly stained by the blood that had oozed out of Billy’s several wounds. Even his right cheek had a gauze to hide a cut Ritsuka remembered seeing back in battle, that while shallow, it was way too dangerously close to his eye.

The sight of his Servant like this made Ritsuka grow worried, and when he remembered Nightingale’s words about how agonizing it must have been for Billy to endure all these wounds and still try to stand up, the pain just grew worse.

The way his body looked was awful enough, but Billy’s eyes observing his Master up and down, clearly deep in thought about something Ritsuka could imagine but didn’t want to admit, is what really made the mage's heart hurt. 

“You know” Billy’s voice surprised Ritsuka, calling him back to reality, so he left his thoughts for a moment to listen to him. His voice still sounded monotonous yet pained, but the young Master just wanted to hear him again. To make sure he was okay. “When you’re forced to do something against your will, it usually hurts inside. Your heart hurts because you don’t want to do it, but you have to, for whatever bigger motive that’s out of your control. Your body still has the choice of not doing it, albeit you know the consequences” Ritsuka wondered what Billy was trying to get at, so as much as he had a thousand things to say in his heart, he didn’t say any of them. He just kept anxiously listening “But when your body starts moving on its own, doing something that you didn’t command it to do, being forced to move and act by your own body having a foreign thought process, other than yours, because of someone else’s command - that hurts you physically and mentally. You feel as if your mind starts to break, failing to recognize your own thoughts, desires, and movements. What you feel is being overwritten by someone else’s desire instead, that you gotta fulfill… But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

Ritsuka was left at a complete loss for words. Billy’s speech had left him going pale, and while he probably knew the anguish and pain the outlaw Servant felt the moment his Master used a Command Spell on him against his will, he hadn’t imagined how painful it must have been for him, physically and mentally. All he wanted was to protect him from danger, no matter the cost.

Ritsuka knew he should only use Command Spells for the worst emergencies, for situations where he had no other option, no other solution. He’ll get his Seals back after a few days, but that wasn’t the issue. He was fully aware that the situation back then could have been resolved if the young mage had just ran to the Rayshift like Romani had been yelling on his ear over and over, if he had just ran while Billy was very clearly trying to earn him time to escape.

But he couldn’t have done that. 

He didn’t want to hurt Billy by forcing him to do something against his will, but leaving him in danger back there was simply not an option. Even if he had known that the Command Spells would hurt Billy physically and mentally, Ritsuka knew he would have used them, either way, to save his Servant’s life.

“Billy, I’m sorry, I-”

“Of course, however,” Billy didn’t even allow Ritsuka to finish talking, as he interrupted him to continue voicing his feelings out loud. “I didn’t have it as bad as other Servants when using a Command Spell to order them around. But my heart’s desire and my own actions were completely disconnected from each other, my body felt foreign for a few moments before I was back in Chaldea, all safe, like you wanted. It was painful” Like daggers, Billy’s words stabbed Ritsuka’s heart, one after another. It’s not like the outlaw Servant was speaking out of spite, the only thing that could be noted in his serious voice was pain and sadness. If Ritsuka squint hard enough, surely he would have noticed Billy’s blue eyes starting to shine, from the tears he was hiding “But I think what hurt the most was realizing that you didn’t trust me”

And just like a death blow, the last dagger was dealt, critically hitting right through the middle of Ritsuka’s heart. The young Master had imagined Billy’s feelings, his disappointment and sadness, but nothing had really prepared him for hearing his Servant voicing his pain out loud like this, the realization that Billy thought of his actions as a full betrayal, failing to understand why he did it.

“O-of course I trust you! You’re the Servant I trust with my entire life, the first one I ever felt comfortable with, the one that cares about me… It’s because I care about you back that I had to do this”

Ritsuka almost felt like a kid trying to apologetically explain his feelings to his Servant. It was a difficult task, for the lump in his throat made it unnecessarily difficult to speak up. He was anxious and apprehensive of the possibility of Billy never speaking to him again, because of their broken trust. It couldn’t be repaired with bandaids or bandages, instead Ritsuka needed to find the best way to let the outlaw know why he forced him to retreat.

If Billy could only see inside Ritsuka’s heart, he would have known how much he truly meant for the young boy, and how his motivation and determination as a Master were directly tied to the wellbeing and existence of his beloved and irreplaceable Servant.

“If you trusted me and cared about me, you would have realized that I was only trying to protect you when I stayed behind. I thought you understood that” Of course Ritsuka understood that, but he couldn’t accept it. Not if it meant putting Billy’s life and memories of him at risk. “I’m hurt because you didn’t trust in my abilities to protect you. I was so close to outsmarting the creature, too! If you had just been patient and watched, you would have seen that if I managed to get behind it and shoot before it could notice me, I could have disconcerted it for long enough for you to go back, and you wouldn’t have had to worry about anything, you only had to trust me. You would have been fine-”

“And what about you?” 

Billy had started to become agitated describing his thought process back during battle, only to be interrupted by Ritsuka with just a simple question. It made the outlaw Servant stop talking and observe his Master sitting across from him, a pained and broken yet serious expression on his face. Sneaky tears had managed to roll down Billy's cheeks, though he wasn’t exactly crying.

It made Billy let out a loud sigh as he turned to face his Master, calming down from his previous fit to try and talk in a more relaxed manner.

“Who cares about me? If I die, I can just get resummoned back. If you die, everything is over, Master. Don’t you get it? My goal is to protect you and to aid you, not for you to protect me”

However, Billy’s words didn’t please Ritsuka in the slightest. While he understood that the blond was speaking solely from a Servant perspective, fulfilling the contract that was formed between him and his Master, Ritsuka saw the Servant in front of him as much more than that, much more than a godforsaken contract signed by both Master and Heroic Spirit alike to fulfill a mission together. He wondered if Billy really thought he mattered so little to him, or if the outlaw really thought of himself as nothing more than whatever their contract was.

Billy was more than his trustworthy and beloved Servant, he was his confidant and his friend, the person that always brought a smile to his face, the one he always had fun with when talking to and hanging out together, the one he trusted in battle for everything. 

Billy was the person Fujimaru Ritsuka trusted with his entire life. But that didn’t mean he was going to let him throw away his own to protect him.

“ _I care about you._ ” Ritsuka hadn’t meant to raise his voice like that, but he did, surprising the outlaw Servant a bit when he banged his fist on the bedside table. He almost felt powerless for a second, tears ready to come out again, before he regained his ability to keep speaking “Don’t think that just because you can get resummoned, that I would just let you die like that, as if your life didn’t matter to me” It was Ritsuka’s turn to become agitated, as he started articulating his feelings and explanations with his hands, becoming extremely expressive “In fact I don’t want to resummon you! I want you to stay safe by my side always, during all of our missions. I don’t doubt that you would have saved me back there, I know you can do that, because I trust you to do that. But why would I allow you to do such a thing at the risk of dying? Leaving my most important Servant behind… I would just be an awful Master, wouldn’t I…?” 

The tone of Ritsuka’s voice had gradually decreased, now turned into a gentle and hurt voice, with tears rolling down his cheeks. He had stopped articulating his hands, bringing them to his face to clean away all of his unconscious crying. 

The sight of seeing Ritsuka so pitiful like this hurt Billy, who was looking away, avoiding his Master’s gaze, yet he looked at him by the corner of his eyes. He seemed to be slightly deep in thought, biting his lip as he looked down at his hands resting on his lap, over the blanket. The young mage was hoping he would understand his actions after this.

“I don’t think you’d be a bad Master, it just means you would have trusted me to do my duty. I don’t die that easily, but you...” However, his expectations were shot down when he realized how stubborn Billy was being on defending that his course of action had been the better call. Not because he was egoistical or prideful, but because he cared about Ritsuka’s life, a mortal, above his own, mortal but with the ability to come back. “Besides... I know you’re worried that if I die, I’ll lose all my memories and all that, but you should know my body and experiences will be fine if it happens once. You’re not going to lose me”

“Or not. You don’t know that. Nobody knows that, and I wasn’t going to let you be the Servant I test that with. It’s a risk I don’t want to take, and even less on _you_ out of everyone else, Billy...” 

That was the biggest problem in their argument and their clash of views, the main difference between their care for each other. Billy was confident in his victory and his ability to save his Master from any danger, to the point where he would give his life for him without a second thought or regret. He was reassured that if he died, he wouldn’t forget about Ritsuka. It wasn’t that Billy wasn’t afraid of that happening, but when it came to saving his Master, the outlaw Servant was able to shove all those worries aside to protect him, trusting that if he really died, he would wake up next to Ritsuka, with his memories of him and their talks still intact in his mind.

For Ritsuka, on the other hand, it was his biggest fear and worry, specially with Billy. The mere thought of something remotely similar happening, even if the blond boy just forgot the trivial talk they had during a simple morning, it was enough to make Ritsuka panic. Because if something like that happened, it meant the young Master would remember his relationship and times with Billy to the fullest, but the latter would lack parts of their time together in his mind, no matter how casual they were.

And that possibility was simply terrifying for the young boy. He didn’t want to let Billy lose any recollection of him.

Seeing as Billy was keeping his silence, looking over at his Master with sad curiosity, to see if he would continue speaking, Ritsuka decided to do just that. He wanted Billy to understand all of his feelings.

“I’m sorry.. I know using a Command Spell on you was awful, that it must have hurt you, but please understand… I don’t think I could ever keep going if you lost the memories we made together, or worse, if your Heroic Spirit got destroyed, never to be seen as you are here today ever again… I can’t just “summon you back”, the only thing I’d be summoning is an empty vessel that looks like you, but lacks all of our memories, your feelings, what you’ve experienced here with me… that wouldn’t be you anymore, but someone that looks like you” voicing all of these things out loud was enough to bring Ritsuka to tears again. He felt like he had cried silently or unconsciously a lot since he entered this room, overwhelmed by his emotions, and it was exhausting. “Don’t think you matter so little to me that I would just let you disappear like that. If I allowed you to die, I would never forgive myself. Nightingale already told me you were at the brink of death with your injuries, so if you had really died I wouldn’t have been able to take it… Please, understand that you matter to me, Billy, that I-” 

_That I love you._

That’s what Ritsuka’s heart wanted to say, to yell. It had been meaning to scream those words out loud for the longest time, but he realized it was probably not the best time to do it now. So in a second, he had to think of an alternative before it was too late.

“... That I just can’t lose you. You’re not a replaceable weapon, you’re my Servant… my most trustworthy Servant and the one I appreciate the most… no, actually, you’re my friend” those words probably sounded better, and they still managed to get his point across - letting Billy know how much he meant to him. He was more than just his Servant, but someone he could trust, as well as a loyal friend. Ritsuka smiled slightly between tears at the thought of calling Billy such a thing, it really warmed his heart “Please, believe me when I say I trusted in your abilities to protect me… but I didn’t want to take the risk of losing you. You’re far too important to me to allow that to happen… I don’t doubt you would have saved me, but what’s the point of escaping if you’re not escaping alongside me…?” Ritsuka looked over at Billy, who was still looking down but subtly looking in his Master’s direction. He seemed to be listening attentively to every single one of his words, so with confidence, the young mage kept talking “I promise I won’t use a Command Spell on you again, but please promise to listen to the orders and commands that come from my heart. You’re still far better than me at taking decisions in battle, but if I ever make a request for you to retreat or to save you… please, listen to me… okay?”

Finally finishing his speech, Ritsuka’s eyes focused on Billy completely, realizing he was still resting his hands on his lap. Hoping that the blond boy wouldn’t mind the sudden gesture from him, he reached out to hold one of Billy’s hands, surprising the latter as he looked up at him. 

Ritsuka intertwined his fingers with Billy’s, enjoying the warmth and feeling of his delicate hand, before finally bringing it close to his face to caress his cheek, seeking for his Servant’s touch once again. Ritsuka had missed the feeling of Billy’s gentle hand against his skin - the texture of his gloves was always rough, leathery, but his hands were so delicate and soft in contrast that it made Ritsuka so happy when he was able to touch them like this. He felt Billy’s thumb brushing against his cheek, cleaning the wet trails of some sneaky tears that had escaped his Master. All Ritsuka could do was gently smile under his touch.

Billy held a kind and loving gaze, observing the gentle expression from his Master as he caressed his cheek. Sighing, he removed his hand as he went to hold Ritsuka’s between his. More exactly, he held the hand that had the two out of three Command Spells engraved onto his skin.

“... Okay, I promise you” he started brushing the scarred remains of where Ritsuka’s third Command Spell had been with his thumb, gently, as if worried that the strong magical energy from using it might have hurt his Master as well “I guess I should apologize, too, right? I’ll try not to be so stubborn next time… but you should also trust that I’m stronger than you think, Master. I’m not about to go down against a pathetic enemy like that” Billy let out a sad chuckle, a half-smile appearing on his face “But I suppose I was also reaching my limits, so I understand you didn’t want to take the risk”

“I understand you and know you better than a lot of my other Servants, Billy, I think I can recognize when you're at your ends. I just want to protect you because you're important to me" Ritsuka let out an adorable giggle, covering his mouth with his free hand as he enjoyed the touch of Billy’s fingers against the back of his other hand. It was very comforting. “... Hug?” the young Master extended his free arm, opening it in a welcoming manner.

Letting out a soft chuckle, Billy let go of his hand as he opened his arms, ready to receive his Master in them and enjoy his warmth. Ritsuka got up from his chair and gently moved closer to Billy, one of his knees resting on the bed as he held his beloved Servant close to him in a warm embrace, trying not to hug him too tightly as to not hurt him from any of his injuries. Still, the young boy couldn’t help himself from snuggling his head against the crook of Billy’s neck, his presence being so comforting and warm that Ritsuka wished he could stay like this forever.

Billy was relaxed in their embrace, his hands around his Master that he loved and trusted so much, but Ritsuka could still feel him tense up a little when he accidentally tightened their hug a bit, getting carried away.

Letting go of Billy at last, both males felt like the embrace had lasted far too little for their enjoyment, but they kept holding each other in their arms, awkwardly yet comfortably looking at each other. Ritsuka let out a cute laugh, feeling so happy to have regained the Servant he loved the most. He really didn’t want to let go of him and leave yet, a thought that Billy seemed to share when he moved one of his hands to cup Ritsuka’s cheek. The young Master enjoyed his gentle caress as he kept a wide smile on his face. 

“Master” Billy’s voice called out to him, and Ritsuka focused his attention on his words “don’t hate me too much for this. You can pull away anytime if you don’t like it”

Ritsuka looked down at the blond boy, unsure of what he meant but curious about what he was going to do. Nothing and no one could have prepared him for the next moment, when Billy placed both of his hands on his cheeks and brought his Master’s face down to meet his lips in a sweet kiss. 

The young boy couldn’t process what was going on for a few moments, surprised by the sudden feeling against his lips. When he did, however, he felt his heart melting at the warm and intimate touch, his muscles relaxing and his eyes closing while he kept holding Billy close in his arms. He tried to return the kiss to the best of his abilities, a bit awkwardly, but it only made the outlaw Servant let out a chuckle against his Master’s lips, delighted and happy to see that he was following his lead due to his inexperience. Yet Rituska was so eager to do this with him.

Billy opened his mouth, softly licking Ritsuka’s lower lip to get him to open his, satisfied the same moment he heard his Master let out an adorable gasp, allowing him to explore the depths of his mouth with his tongue. Their gentle kiss had turned into a sensual and warm intimate moment where Ritsuka could only attempt to follow Billy’s lead as their tongues played together, tasting each other. A hot sensation started inside of his heart, making everything around him feel like it was burning, and he really felt like he was about to melt like butter under the outlaw Servant’s fingers. 

And yet, the young Master could only crave more of this affection and love.

The entire kiss felt intoxicating and Ritsuka could see himself getting addicted to this. He realized that Billy tasted slightly of blood, but he thought his lips were the sweetest and most pleasant sensation he had the delight of feeling against his own. It’s not like the young Master had the luck of kissing many people in the past, back before he got recruited by Chaldea, but for some reason he couldn’t remember any of their faces or what the young boy had felt for them. The only thing inside Ritsuka’s mind was Billy, invading each and every single one of his thoughts.

Billy had to separate from Ritsuka’s lips to breathe, finding it cute the way his Master opened his eyes, his lips slightly parted as he achingly and impatiently wanted to start kissing again. However, the only response he got from his outlaw Servant was a loud hiss of pain, and Ritsuka realized he had accidentally moved and rested his weight on top of Billy’s injured body.

“Oh, sorry! Your body still hurts a bit, right…?” Quickly moving away, Ritsuka got up from on top of Billy as he looked down at his bandages, worried that he might have accidentally opened a wound. However, his Servant seemed to be fine, although his cheeks looked a little flushed and his eyes seemed to be examining his Master.

“... It’s fine” letting out a soft chuckle, Billy moved around in bed until he was in a comfortable position. Ritsuka noticed that his eyes regained his usual mischievous and jovial shine, and he felt his heart flutter “Thanks for coming to see me, Master. I feel better already thanks to you… Sorry for being a stubborn Servant, again”

“I-it’s okay, it’s okay! Let’s just… work towards understanding each other better now, yeah?” Ritsuka’s cheeks were tinted a deep red colour. The response he got from Billy was a little disappointing, as Ritsuka still felt like his body was resting in a sea of clouds and the feeling and taste of Billy’s lips lingered against his. He clearly wanted to kiss a bit more.

He wondered if they would do something like that again.

The outlaw seemed to notice the inquiring and nervous look his Master had all over his eyes, waiting to see if Billy was going to say or acknowledge the intimate gesture the two men had just shared or continue it. However, he probably felt like it was more amusing to tease and play with Ritsuka for a bit, because instead of explaining anything, he just pulled the mage down by holding onto his uniform’s collar, reuniting their lips again in a fleeting kiss.

It was far too short for Ritsuka’s liking, aching to feel more of Billy, but the latter simply let go of him and laid back down in bed, his eyes still looking at his sweet and cute Master that was now sitting next to him in bed.

“I’m going to rest a bit for now, Master. I’m exhausted”

“Oh, o-of course…” A bit disappointed, Ritsuka tried to not let his face show such feelings to Billy, as he should have expected that he needed a bit of rest. Servants didn’t _need_ sleep, but after the events of today and his injuries, he couldn’t blame him for wanting to relax. Still, he hoped he’d get to feel his lips against his again sometime soon. “I’ll come check on you later, if it’s okay. I promised Mash we’d eat together at the cafeteria, so maybe I can bring you something to eat tonight?”

Billy looked over at his Master with curiosity, clearly thinking the same thing as him as the two knew that Servants had no need for food or water whatsoever. Finding his gesture and thought cute, however, he let out yet another chuckle, offering a warm smile to Ritsuka as he answered him.

“I’d love that. Thank you, Master”

* * *

The moment Ritsuka walked out of Billy’s room, not without turning off the lights, he felt the heat returning to his cheeks as they started looking a crimson colour once again. The young Master brought his hands to his face, covering them in hopes that he would be able to get rid of his blushing before anyone could walk by. Or maybe he was trying to hide the foolish wide smile from his face, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden as if everyone could know what had happened between him and Billy.

Leaning against the wall from the hallway, all Ritsuka could think about was Billy and how warm and loving his lips had felt against his. His thoughts were infested with recollections of their sensual and intimate moment, their needy yet loving kiss that, while short, Ritsuka was sure he would never forget. He kind of wished he could go back inside to look at his beautiful blue eyes once again, full of joy and mischief, while stealing a third kiss from him.

His heart was really about to burst out of his chest if he kept thinking about that moment, but he couldn’t stop that thought. It only made his blush grow even worse, to the point where it reached his ears. He was thankful that no one was around to see him looking like this.

“Senpai?” A feminine voice called him back to reality and Ritsuka almost jumped in surprise, taken aback by Mash approaching him. Naturally, the young girl looked a bit concerned seeing the scared reaction from her friend “D-did I surprise you? Sorry, Senpai…! I already finished helping Romani and DaVinci back in the command room, so I decided I’d come to check on you, since I knew you’d be talking with your Servants” looking at the door next to where Ritsuka was leaning against, Mash took notice that it was Billy’s room, and her worry didn’t leave her face. She had been watching everything that happened with the outlaw Servant earlier during the mission, after all “Was Billy okay? Did you have an argument with him…?”

“Huh?” Ritsuka was still barely processing what he experienced in Billy’s room, their argument long forgotten as the only thing he could see in his mind was the memories of their kiss together, the way Billy’s hands cupped his cheeks and the feeling of his lips against his… Ritsuka almost wanted to hit himself on the head for making his blushing worse in front of Mash. He couldn’t remove his smile from his face “Uh, no, no - I mean, yes…! Well, no, it wasn’t a fight, but we had a long talk, haha… We talked about what happened a lot, and he seemed to understand my reasons in the end, so it’s okay now. We understood each other… yeah” 

Mash was, understandably, looking at Ritsuka with slight confusion and curiosity in her eyes, as her friend seemed to be feeling a little nervous. She could notice the smallest hint of a red colour on his cheeks, and she grew more inquisitive. However, she didn’t pry. Seeing the young boy smiling so much and being in such a good mood after his visit to Billy, she was sure that his talk with him must have gone smoothly, and he managed to recover his friendship with his Servant.

“Well, I’m glad to hear that. You two understand each other a lot, so I'd be sad if your bond had been broken over a misunderstanding like this” giving Ritsuka a faint smile, she placed her arms behind her back “Have you checked on Ushiwakamaru yet?” Noticing the surprised eyes and the small hint of culpability that covered Ritsuka’s gaze, Mash smiled apologetically “It’s okay, you had things to speak with Billy first. Still, I’m sure she’ll appreciate it if we go see her. Let’s go together? That way we can head to the cafeteria right afterwards”

Leaning away from the wall, Ritsuka finally stood up, his smile just as wide as earlier, and with more energy than Mash had expected at first, he took a hold of her arm and started dragging her towards Ushi’s room.

“Let’s go, then!”

He’ll have to do a few more things that day before he could meet with Billy again, but Ritsuka didn’t mind the wait. After all, taking care of his Servants and friends was his duty as a Master, a task of fidelity to them that he wouldn’t dare break, nor the outlaw Servant would want him to just for him.

But being able to share intimate moments with Billy again was the desire in his heart, instead. So all he hoped was that he’d have time to rejoice in his warmth, again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this little self-indulgent fic, it makes me very, very happy. Kudos and comments are very appreciated, as I would love to know any thoughts.
> 
> Thanks, again, for reaching the end!


End file.
